You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
