Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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