Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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