if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
