when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
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i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!