i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.