Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.