i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.