Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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