i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
