I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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