Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
