You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
