Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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