haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
