In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
