hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
