I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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