I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
