Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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