i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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