I faked an abortion last night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.