laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid