you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
