i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
