So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i love accidental penises.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
