Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
