Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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