I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
