i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
false alarm, still single
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
