Swine flu. Run for my life!
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
