I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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