I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
