Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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