Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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