I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
