I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
