I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
