I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
