Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
