Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
