I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize