Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
