WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
