Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
