I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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