our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
