to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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