Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
