i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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