I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
