can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
