he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
