This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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