I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
