I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
