i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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