Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
