Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
