how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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