Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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