No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
