Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
