omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
