Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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