why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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