I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
