i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
